Sunday, 2 February 2014

Hurt feelings

I'm shocked with myself by how much I am bothered by this. You've got a big mouth, we've always known that, but this is different. You've said things to someone that you haven't said to me and I'm not only pissed by your unwanted and unjust views, I'm hurt by the realisation that you are to me, much more than I am to you. Damn myself for being so stupid. How can it be that after all this time you don't know me? Or do you, and you just don't like it and try to paint yourself a different picture of me. I cannot be painted over. I am a dozen things you may never understand, but understanding is not the same as accepting. Just accept it. I accept you. Unconditionally.

You were the last one to know. I felt guilty for that. I told you I'd found someone only when there was no choice but to confess, and I downplayed every single feeling that I had, because I was scared at the intensity of such feelings so early myself. I told you last because I was frightened to hear your opinion, I knew it would sway me and I knew I couldn't let it. Just this once I had to follow my own single judgement. I didn't want to see the judgement in your eyes, the disapproval, even the disrespect that might creep in. Your opinion meant more than I wanted to admit but at what cost? My happiness? I had to ignore it.

Now time has passed, but you've not accepted the changes. It hurts that everyone else seems to have heard words that you haven't offered to me. If I told you a hundred times and wrote it in the sky that I was happier now than I ever thought I deserved to be would you believe me? He's my match. If he broke my heart I'm not sure I could recover, I thought I knew what pain was, but it would be so much worse this time around if I woke up and he was gone.

I'm sorry if you're going down a road that I can't join you on, but the thing is, I will forgive you in a week or two, and we'll patch up this chink in the armour of friendship, but I don't feel the same now. I've always been myself with you: Open. I don't feel like I can do that now. I have no idea if the person who I'm talking to is going to be the same one who then talks about me. I don't think so.
You've really hurt my feelings. Because if the situation was turned around I would have spoken to you, not to everyone else, especially not to a stranger.

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