Monday, 24 February 2014

My dreams last night.

Had strange upsetting dreams again last night. My dreams lately all feature myself as I am now, crying about something or other, I wake up as if I've spent the night in emotional turmoil. Last night I dreamt vivid dream after dream, I was late to get to my friends house for new year festivities. But when I got there I realised I looked awful, in scruffy jeans and no makeup. The dream got worse. The Keyholder was there, in my nightmare for the first time in about 6 or 7 months, not really there but the mention of him was there, my friends abandoned me for him, all of them, one by one. and the fear of him coming closer was painfully realistic, he would be there any minute, they'd invited him to join them, she was coming too. I was to be excluded. I had to leave.
No one came after me, all my closest friends left me. Then I was left alone, crying, in a dark street on new years eve and the shadows were closing in like walls. I realised I was stood under a street light, the only streetlight and the darkness came flooding in like water it rose up my feet until finally I was trying to swim in the blackness and could feel my heart and lungs constricting. Then Mr Jones turned up, with a lantern lighter like the ones in my stories. The light spilling from the end dispersed the water-like shadows and I stopped drowning. Left bone dry I was still crying. He held up a bright green life jacket. I don't remember waking up, but the dream ended.

The next dream started on my street, it was a bright sunny day and I distinctly remember not having the right school uniform, it's been years since I was at school, how could I be expected to still have the clothes. I walked there with both my brothers, I was late. The classroom only had a few chairs left empty but I didn't know which group to sit by, old familiar faces were there but no one was my friend. the same anxiety I remember feeling in these situations at school came flooding back, then the dream shifted and I was in the hall. The hall of my primary school. The hall I met Mr Jones in incidentally. But it wasn't set up as a fitness class, it was the way it was for assembly, I looked around for Jones but teachers were ushering us to sit down on the floor. My arthritis was screaming, my legs were locking in place, it was agony, I wasn't supposed to sit like this.

The next dream I woke up, that is, I didn't actually wake up, I dreamt that I woke up. I woke up on what would be 'today' the clock on my phone said 3 O'clock, I leapt up. How the hell had I slept in so late, I was never asleep that long. I needed to have a bath, wash my hair, shave my legs, I was expected at Mr Jones' at 4. I'd never make it, I'd be late. I hated being late. I rushed to choose underwear to get on but everything I owned suddenly seemed too small, even my new things didn't fit now. Why didn't anything fit!!! My tongue started to feel heavy as it does before I cry. I saw a calendar on my wall, (I should state, I don't have a calendar on my wall) it showed me in big red felt tip pen that my uni deadline was today. No that's wrong, its on the 6th, but the calendar said today, I haven't written anything. and the deadline was 12, I've already missed it! The calendar I realised I don't own, there's no calendar on my wall, and I started to wake up, I woke up slowly, by brain seemed to be hanging onto the dream, I still hadn't gone to Jones', I wasn't even bathed and dressed. I woke up and found my phone in its usual place by Jerome in bed, it said 9.30, I wasn't late, the day hadn't happened yet. There was plenty of time.

I now feel that surreal de'ja' vu feeling, as if I'm a day behind, I have already in my dream, lived todays date and it should now be tomorrow, I hate those kind of dreams, they knock me off balance. I had one when I was quite young and I dreamt I lived a weekend, I went to school, my birthday was Friday, it came and went with usual birthday events and then Saturday and Sunday happened and when I woke up I believed it was Monday back to school, I got up and got dressed and mum laughed and said "it's your birthday, you don't have to go today" I told her my birthday was days ago and it took several minutes for me to believe I had dreamt what I thought had happened.

My three dreams last night I have thought about a great deal since waking up, sometimes I don't remember dreams at all, other times I remember them so vividly they could be films I've watched. In all three last night I was 'in' the dream, experiencing it first hand, rather than observing from the side which also happens a lot in my head at night. All three I realised feature me being late in some circumstance, that's strange. While drinking my morning tea I checked my pill packet in my purse to make sure I was on the right day and haven't missed any, I haven't, and I am. If my period is late this month I am seriously seeing a psychiatrist. Honestly I put all this down to stress over my deadlines, panicking about failing and general anxiety about life. I would be much more relaxed if sleep wasn't so much bloody work, I'd appreciate some dreamless nights, or at least happy carefree dreams.

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