Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Gone, passage from another book

I know that I could be ready to leave this house in 15-20 minutes. 8 minutes in an emergency. At the end of the day what actually matters to me here? My teeny t.v, my wooden furniture, my clothes, my DVD's, my books????? I'd only need a few minutes, I'd take a suitcase, I'd take my memory stick and I'd be gone. I might send back for my books but if the oppurtunity arose I don't believe I'd think twice of the things I'd leave behind. Those plugs would still be plugged in, those curtains left open, the paintings on my wall would remain until the eventual damp would kill them, my slip slips tossed aside, my makeup bag left open and cluttered on the bed. It would be as if I were still there, but I'd be gone.

I dislike everything about this box, my cage. The window, the cold, the empty shelves, the noise, the dark cloud that seems to always loom above this damp roof. I only like my wall, my calm inspiring wall. But in winter, I have not even that comfort, I must sit and gaze at it from the window, like an injured bird I wait for my wings, I wait for freedom. I could honestly pay every penny in my grasp, for a never ending train ticket, for a sofa somewhere, for a car and a license. Money, is one of those awful things, it means so little when looking at others, but it means everything when you have none. Money is the only thing holding me down, or a lack of, with money I'd be flying, riding, running, into the life I was meant to live. Not here, in this cage.

It's hard to express this sort of entrapment to outsiders, it's hard to live with people you know you wouldn't ever speak to if you didn't share blood. It's hard to breathe, and remind yourself that you're pushing forward. Sitting in this room, drinking tea, forging yourself a new life on paper. It's all I know. GCSE's, A levels, a degree, a suitcase just waiting over there across the room. 8 minutes I could leave, if I had anywhere else to go, as it is, I am pushing on, and I have to maintain a strong will to stop myself from walking out, because 8 minutes is all it would take. 8 minutes I'd be gone.

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