I would usually write this sort of thing in my notebook, but this blog has become my notebook. It's 11.09pm and I'm alone in my room. I could have gone out with various groups this evening, gotten smashed out of my face, danced in one of my new dresses, but I wasn't feeling it. It's odd because I have the weekend free and I have more than enough money, I have an unopened bottle of malibu and cans of coke ready but I just had a lull like feeling. But just a minute ago, I had that awful sinking feeling. Like someone just walked over my grave somewhere in the time line. You know the feeling, walking down steps in the dark and you forget one and your foot sinks and so does your stomach. Ooo, shiver, sick. I don't often get that feeling, I'm very much into signs and symbols and the physic ability. These random and rare feelings trouble me. I was just sat here and it happened. It's really bothered me.
Either somethings occurring, or something had happened to me in another life, or my subconscious is nervous about something. So there are some new pathways where bricks are being laid in my life at the moment. I have some things that need to be sorted out, summer is on its way always a time of discovery for me, and I have new people entering my life. Never one for dealing very well with change I am obviously going to be wary. I have told my subconscious this, I know myself I'm easily led, I easily fall into things. Last time I felt like I would burn and die with the pain, I tell people I cried a week before picking myself up but it was longer, it was random and violent and brutal the break downs and the sadness and I swore to myself I'd get every piece of my heart back. They say you should never lock your feelings away, and I'm not. I've just spent months plastering parts of myself back together, I've spent months working to make myself feel worth something again and not just lost and abandoned and not good enough. I have built brick walls around myself and I know it's going to take a while to break through. People can say and think whatever they like but I know myself better than anyone, I know I am strong but I have weaknesses I must protect. I am armoured and cynically and I'm trying so hard to relax. It's just hard. One day at a time, I say it every day. Don't let anything touch you too much, just enjoy what is today and think about tomorrow in the morning. I won't be broken up again. That's all. I'll make sure of it.
I seriously doubt this alone is causing this sudden feeling. I've pushed open the curtains more and can see the moon clearly. It's low not yet full, a grim stained teeth yellow. It's that moon. I studied Wicca (the art of nature, spells, and physic reading) for years. I recognise a good moon and a bad moon. This is a bad moon. It's a warning moon to passers by, to be watchful this night for demons are rising in the inbetween. I wish my nephew hadn't gone out so late. I want him indoors now he's finally come back for a bit. I've missed him.
A bad moon doesn't mean it's not a powerful one, it's perfect for spells and rituals. It's a clear sky and I could go out wrapped up and do a circle.
It's almost April, the clocks go forward tonight, thats another damn sign! Another inbetween. A short but vivid time shift, a portal of sorts. Time is flying so fast, I find myself wishing for a stop watch right now, just to pause for a moment to catch my breath, to review my situation, I need to breathe and focus and breathe! I have things that I need to focus on, I want to sort out a work placement in a school. I have deadlines looming at university, I'm freaking. I still can't see a way to follow in my book. Grace still hasn't come home.
I'm trying to think about driving, losing weight, money christ I really shouldn't think about money. That's always been my biggest stress factor. Thing is since the Keyholder left, I took a tight hold of my funds and really pulled myself up to stand on my own feet. When everything else crumbled, even my grades for a time, I had my finances settled. I've been budgeting so well, I even expect another set of money from my funds soon, but I've been dancing on top for so many months when I'm used to being down and struggling that I'm certain it won't last. I'm holding onto my finances so tightly, too frightened to let it loose, just in case. I haven't been in my overdraft for months, and I've taken the whole thing off, but still. Even with a bank account of cash I'm just nervous about it. I need to make sure I'm watching it like a hawk. I can't afford to drop now.
My cat isn't here. Another bloody sign. Where's my god damn cat?! If my cat was sat in his usual spot which I can see right now I would be a little more settled, as it is, he's out hunting something or other, under that moon! My nephew is out under that moon. Daffodils have finally opened up now, I saw quite a few today, very pretty, but there's a frost due, the cold will kill them quickly now they're open, got to watch that. This feeling is niggling at me too much. A simple warding spell should put this feeling at rest. I won't draw the cards, I feel like they'd be jumbled up tonight. I'll get a clearer reading in the morning.
I'm going to make some tea, then I'm going to go outside in the garden and do something I haven't done in a while. I'm going to cast a circle, then I'll try and summon my cat. That moon is cloudless, it's waiting. Blessed be.
....it's been about 15 minutes since I finished the above. True to my word I put on my hat and coat, took my supplies, the spell I'd written and a cup of tea outside. I cast my circle, faced the moon and did my little ritual. My cat joined me 3 minutes into it, (that could have been a fluke but it did set the tone) I finished up burning the paper pieces that had made up the spell's focus and dripping a drop of the wax onto my hand to seal the spell. Sprinkled salt by both doors for good measure, and now the wax slice from my hand is on the folded up spell upon my window, a reminder in the most common in-between, to the moon. I came inside with my cat and we've settled in for the night now. Bradley has also arrived home :-)
So yeah I'm weird like that. One of my more private studies but you'd be surprised how into this I actually am.