Sunday, 3 March 2013

My Hair

I've described my hair in the post 'Grace'
It was once a long, straight as rain curtain. I wrote Grace to have hacked off hair, it was symbolic an act of freedom,  of self violence to reflect her character. I envied Grace, but it would be another two years after writing her that I would take the plunge and force myself to become her. I know it may seem silly to whoever's reading this, but the act of cutting my hair into a pixie helped push me into who I am now compared to the shy forget me not I used to be.

It was a friday I think, I was writing, college was over and university was looming ever closer. Like every time something changes I was scared stiff. I dreaded the day I'd have to go, meeting new people, being in a new situation. I was writing about Grace and she was thrown into a new situation, she didn't know how to handle, I thought as I wrote how strong she was, how she handled everything. She had found herself in a terrible situation and hair was the last thing she needed to worry about, she hacked at it viciously to get it out of the way. I slammed my notebook down quite literally.
My hair had always been my mothers joy, growing up she brushed it through with lavender oil daily and I wasnt allowed heated tongs, hair dye or products. "You'll only ruin your hair," People at school were just as bad "Oh my god I love your hair! How'd you get it so straight?" People I didnt even speak to begged me to never cut it, how sad is that!
Look it's hard work, it's annoying, it's in the way, and I had hidden behind it for so many years I just wanted to be like Grace, I wanted that confidence and that bravery. I had already taken a good 5 inches off it at (refer to picture above- thats with five inches off so I had taken some length off) I debated the kitchen scissors but I wasnt that brave. I took a twenty pound note instead. I went to the hairdressers. She sat me down and asked me what I wanted. I said I want it cut in a pixie. The woman's face was quite a funny picture. The place was packed aswell. "Are you sure?  can just put some layers in."
"No I want it off."
even after she'd preped it and had the scissors in hand she was hesitating.
"How short do you want it?"
"Short, all over."
I was thinking about Keira Knightley, she'd done this and she was stunningly beautiful. I actually would pay thousands to look like that woman.

My hair fell in pieces to the floor, by the end there was a halo of thick hair surrounding the chair.
I saw the woman next to me she was staring wide eyed and she looked devastated! The first thing I thought, looking into that mirror was "Mum's going to kill me."

Oh the look on her face. lol. I was in shock a little when I got home, I locked myself in the bathroom and I had a moments cry.
"Sian what's happened? What's the matter?"
"Mum it's really bad!"
"Oh my god what you done?"
"I've had my hair cut."
"Open the door."

If I was a little upset at what I'd given up, willingly mind you, well words cant express the look on my mothers face. Her beautiful river of lavender soft, conditioned, no dead end, no splits, no damage, thick hair had just gone. "What have you done? You stupid girl." She hated me then, only for a second, I was upset she stepped into mum mode after that crippling comment. "Its ok, it doesnt look that bad, Stephen! Stephen get down here see what she's gone and done!"

In hindsight perhaps I should have told someone I was going, I dreaded the key holder coming home. This was another crazy, stupid random Sian thing, that he didnt want me to do. He must have said it about ten times not to do it when I'd hinted. Well the damage was done. You know it wasnt that bad, every couple of weeks I'd go at the fringe and the bits around my ears myself with those kitchen scissors :-p

The result of cutting my hair didn't exactly work as planned, I didnt instantly have confidence, I just looked like a twat with boy short hair, but my ears looked smaller and you could actually see my face. It was there, it wasnt that bad. Key Holder was amazingly very happy, maybe he was gay after all, lol I joke. But overall the hair wasnt a failure. But Oh my god, look how short it is at the back!! Drunk club photo- thanks Darcy! :-)

The colour came a few weeks later, red the colour of passion and I cant imagine it being anything else now.

It's growing back now I should say, It's taken a year to grow it to my shoulders, but the feeling remains, the freedom, the rebellion. I dont need a pixie cut to force me to be more like my character. I am my character, and I like that. I am brave, and I am strong, I have a will that us Siviters are born with, I lead life with good morals and I'm a nice sort of person. That spirit of adventure didn't come from Grace it came from me all along, I just didnt embrace it before.

No comments:

Post a Comment